Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
