nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize