If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
