i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
