i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
