rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
