im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
