There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
