i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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