sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
