you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
