I can tuck mytits in my pants
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
