when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
