So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
