can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
