What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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