I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
