Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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