Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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