Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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