note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
