and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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