Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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