1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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