what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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