her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
