i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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