I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
