i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
