guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
