Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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