dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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