He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
