Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
