I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
