a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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