Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
