I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
