I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
