You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
