all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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