i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
