Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
