Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
