I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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