Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
did you just send me my own nude
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
