I wish I could teleport
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
