i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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