I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
