come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
