Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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