my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
