Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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