There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
