You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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