im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
