how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
