just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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