Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize